Breaking the Fourth Wall
by KolKolKol
Summary: A reinterpretation of Romeo and Juliet, including random plot twists and crack.
1. Act One, Scene One

**A/N: Well, we read this in Lit class a long time ago, and for some reason I decided it would be fun to screw up one of Shakespeare's most famous plays and make this...thing. It's basically my interpretation of Romeo and Juliet, with a few minor twists thrown in. Have fun!**

**Romeo and Juliet: Breaking the Fourth Wall  
**

Act One, Scene One

Samson: My life sucks.

Gregory: We're rolling….

Samson: Oh, right. My life doth suck-eth.

Gregory: True, my friend. Our lives are fullest to the brim of suck-eth events.

Samson: Why in the hell do the Capulets and Montagues fight…eth?

Gregory: No clue, do I haveth.

Samson: You're a servant from Verona, you're not Yoda.

Gregory: Shut-eth up.

Samson: I want to hit some maids.

Gregory: You're going to kill them?

Samson: …sure. Take that in whatever sense you want to.

Gregory: OMG draw thy dick! …I mean sword.

[Enter Abram and Balthazar]

Samson: My dick – I mean sword – is out!

Gregory: eth.

Samson: Right, right. Eth.

[Samson gives Abram and Balthazar the finger]

Abram: What the hell? Do you give us the finger?

Samson: I do give the finger.

Abram: To us?

Samson: Will we go to prison if I say yes?

Abram: Probably-eth.

Balthazar: Okay, talking like this sucks! I'm talking normally now.

Abram: Sounds good.

Samson: Okay, then. Then no, I didn't give YOU the finger.

Gregory: You want to pick a fight, bastard?

Abram: Nope.

Samson: Well, if you do, I'll fight you.

Abram: Shut up. This scene sucks, anyway. I want vodka.

[Enter Benvolio]

Benvolio: Shut up, all of you! Fighting is stupid. We should all live in a flowery place of peace and rainbows!

All: Shut up, France!

[Enter Tybalt]

Tybalt: Die Benvolio!

Benvolio: Why? I haven't done anything. All I want is peace!

Tybalt: Peace! I hate peace! And love! And Montagues! And my life! EMO! EMO!

[Enter random Citizens]

Citizens: (chanting) Fight! Fight! Fight!

[Enter Capulet and Lady Capulet]

Capulet: What the hell is going on? Edna! Get my sword!

Lady Capulet: My name isn't Edna! And why do you want a sword?

Capulet: So I can beat the crap out of Montague!

[Enter Montague and Lady Montague]

Montague: Holy hell! Edna! Get my sword!

Lady Montague: My name isn't Edna, either! And you're both too old to fight! You're, like, a hundred years old!

[Enter Prince]

Prince: What the hell? Old people fighting? You're all stupid retards! You're always fighting!

Montague: What's shoved up your ass?

Prince: No more fighting or I'll stick your head up YOUR ass!

Montague: I'm not sure that'll work…

Prince: Capulets, come with me. Montagues, leave me the hell alone.

[Exit all but Montague, Lady Montague, and Benvolio]

Montague: Who started this fight?

Benvolio: The servants. (begins to cry) Why can't we all just get along?

Montague: (slaps Benvolio) What else happened?

Benvolio: I tried to stop them, but Tybalt came and screwed it up. Then the Prince came and stopped them.

Lady Montague: Where the hell is Romeo? Did you see him today?

Benvolio: Yeah, I saw him. He was walking away, and I tried to follow him, but he saw me and ran into the woods.

Lady Montague: …why were you following him?

Benvolio: …er, no reason… (looks away)

Montague: (sighs) Romeo's been moping around for a while now. All he does is sneak out of the house, come back later, cry, and shut himself in his room and be emo. Just like Tybalt.

Benvolio: What's wrong with him?

Montague: (reads script) It says here I've got to say this whole thing here, but nothing makes sense. "As is the bud bit with an envious worm"? It sounds like a sexual metaphor! So I'll just say that I don't know and leave it at that.

[Enter Romeo]

Benvolio: Romeo! There you are!

Montague: Uh, we're just going to leave…

[Exit Montague and Lady Montague]

Benvolio: What's up, Romeo?

Romeo: What time is it?

Benvolio: Nine.

Romeo: *sigh* Time takes longer nowadays in my emo days of sorrow.

Benvolio: It does, doesn't it? But what makes it that way?

Romeo: I'm in love with Rosaline, but she doesn't love me back.

Benvolio: …Rosaline?

Romeo: Yeah. Well, monogamy is overrated, Benvolio.

Benvolio: huh.

Romeo: Love sucks! Well, hers does, at least. O beautiful ugliness!

Benvolio: …

Romeo: O lovely hate, O hately love!

Benvolio: Okay, 'hately' isn't even a word…

Romeo: O kind murderer!

Benvolio: Do you have Multiple Personality Disorder or something?

Romeo: I'm bipolar, but that isn't the point.

Benvolio: uh…

**A/N: *stammering* What is this, I don't even...**

**Well, that's the first scene. Subscribe for more random weirdness! Reviews are always welcomed.  
**


	2. Act One, Scene Two

**A/N: Sorry this one is quite shorter than the first, but I suppose that's because of the actual book scenes being of varying lengths. Thank you!**

Act One, Scene 2

Capulet: (reads script) Okay, this makes no freaking sense.

Paris: Why the hell do I have a girl's name?

Capulet: I think I'm drunk or something when I say this…

Paris: Screw my name. Can I marry your daughter?

Capulet: … Juliet?

Paris: Do you have more than one daughter?

Capulet: Not with Lady Capulet-

Paris: What?

Capulet: Never mind.

Paris: So can I marry Juliet?

Capulet: She's fourteen years old.

Paris: I'm a pedophile. I like teenage girls.

Capulet: Jolly good, son, jolly good. Every family needs a pedophile, and I'm getting a little old for the job.

Paris: Sweet!

Capulet: I'll tell you what. We'll host a party and if she falls in love with you, you can marry her. Even though I say it's her choice, I'll make it for her later anyway, so this really doesn't matter.

[Capulet writes on paper. Hands to Servant]

Capulet: You, illiterate servant! Read this and invite these people to a party!

[Exit Capulet and Paris]

Servant: But I can't read! Aw, crap. Well, I'll just go find someone who can!

[Enter Benvolio and Romeo]

Benvolio: Whatever I'm supposed to say doesn't make sense, like half of this crap, so I'm just going to say that I'm bored.

Romeo: Sounds good to me.

Servant: Oi! I can't read! You seem like good enemies of my master's family! Can you read what this says?

Romeo: I can read.

Servant: Great!

Romeo: I can read.

Servant: …That's what I asked.

Romeo: I can read.

Servant: Uh, I'm just going to go now…

Romeo: (grabs Servant's arm) I said I can read! Give it to me. Okay, this says to invite Martino and his children and wife, County Anselme and sisters, and a whole other bunch of people. OMG Rosaline will be there!

Servant: Uh, thanks. I'm going to go now…

[Exit Servant]

Romeo: We're going to that party.

Benvolio: Why?

Romeo: Rosaline will be there!

Benvolio: Why do you like her, anyway?

Romeo: I told you, Benvolio. Monogamy is overrated.

Benvolio: Sure, sure. (sulks)

Romeo: Geez, you're more emo than me and Tybalt.

Benvolio: Oh, did you sleep with Tybalt, too?

Romeo: No way! He's too emo for me. If we slept together, the world would implode.

Benvolio: Okay then. Good.

Romeo: Okay, back to the subject. We are going to that party!

Benvolio: Maybe you'll see someone there other than Rosaline who'll get your attention. I really do hate her.

Romeo: I'm only going because of Rosaline.

Benvolio: Fine, fine, stubborn kid.


End file.
